Does The Missing Ever Get Easier??

Not sure what it is lately, maybe it's the fact that my Dad's birthday is coming up on June 4th or that Father's Day is around the corner or that my awesome husband finally got my Dad's flag pole securely up in our yard, but I miss my Dad...ALOT.  It's funny, people tell you it gets easier with time and in some ways that's true.  I know longer feel the guilt I used to feel about his death, I've come to terms with it and know there is no going back so why be upset about decisions and choices that were made, it won't change things, he'll still be gone.  But the missing part and the whole in my heart just keeps getting bigger and bigger.  The pain I feel when I think about him hurts more than it did when he first passed.  Anytime I start to think about him too much I have to focus on something else because if I continue to I'll fall apart - yes writting this is not easy and I may just have to take a break now and then.

I've been having these weird dreams about him lately, he's on his death bed or he's in his coffin at the wake and some how suddenly he comes back to life and is fine.  One of the dreams had him dying in a car accident and then being fine - weird since he died 7 weeks after suffering a massive brain bleed.  It's a little disturbing, but at the same time it's amazing because I always somehow manage to get the biggest hug from him in the dream and it honestly feels so real that I wonder if this is his way of visiting me in my dreams.  Of course if it is I don't really get why he would go about it this way, I mean really he has to die and come back to life, why can't he just have never died in my dreams or come back as an angel or something, the whole rising from the dead thing is a bit creepy.  Although if I think about it he always like to refer to himself as God so maybe he's trying to pull a Jesus thing in my dreams.

I also find myself waking up in the middle of the night sometimes squeezing my eyes and praying when I open them I'll be in my room at my old house, the one we lived in before he passed.  You see if I'm in that house it means he's still alive because the only reason we moved was to find a home that we could live in with my Mom so she wouldn't be alone.  Always promised Dad I would take care of things when he was gone and although it hasn't been easy - at times it's been pure hell (got to love siblings) - I'm keeping that promise no matter what.   Anyway as you can imagine everytime I open my eyes I'm in our new home - although I swear for a full minute the other night when I opened my eyes I truly thought I was in the old house, it was the best feeling!

It's funny I'm not really sure which I'd rather have gotten easier, the guilt or the missing.  I almost feel like it would be easier if the guilt just hung on and got worse, at least I could rationalize that to myself once in awhile, but the pain of missing him....there is just no way around it.

Guess I was right when I said in his Eulogy...

"I will love you and miss you forever"

Raising a Teen with Asperger's

Haven't posted in awhile so i thought I would post some thoughts on what it's like raising a teenager with Asperger's.  You'd think by the time you got to the teen years with an Aspie child that you would be a pro at all the in's and out's - well I can tell you when you get to the teen years it's like starting over from scratch!  When your Aspie is younger you are able to make playdates for them and be sure they have friends - most kids aren't overly concerned with being "cool" at a young age and are into Simpsons and video games and playing with toys.  So you spend most of your time focusing on getting them set up in school, making sure they have what they need to be successful and achieve to the greatest of their ability.  You focus on getting them the "iron clad" IEP and teaching them how to deal with their frustrations.  You don't truly notice the difference between your Aspie and a "non-aspie" child.

When your Aspie becomes a teen it's like someone has stopped you in your tracks, smashed you in the face with a sledge hammer and put a big red blinking light over your child to point out that they are not like the other kids.  Most Aspie kids are not interested in girls and if they are they have no idea how to deal with those thoughts and spend an awful lot of time in their rooms with the door closed - I guess they are more like non-aspie's than I thought LOL.  They aren't into going out with a group of friends and hanging out at the mall, the movie's or just walking around town.  An Aspie kid is more interested in whatever it is they are currently obsessed with - in my son's case it's video games and the computer.  They will spend hours on end on these devices if left to their own accord.

In our journey into the teenage years with our son we've seen a bit of a regression lately with his social self.  We moved to a new house last August and friends of ours live on the street who have 3 girls - one who is our son's age (16), one who is our twins age (12) and a little one who is 7.  I'll give you one guess who our son is the closes with and plays with the most.....if you guessed the 7 yr old you would be correct!  Our son finds it much more fun to play doll's, watch TV and play video games with the youngest than to spend any time with the older girls.  He seems to relate the best to the 7 yr old - which with him makes sense because he's most of the time he's probably socially a 9 yr old.  It makes me crazy though because when in the right situation he is a perfect 16 yr old.  When it comes to babysiting his brothers for us, he's a responsible 16 yr old who will not go to sleep until his brothers are asleep or we are home.  He recently got his permitt and put him behind the wheel and he is the most focused and clear headed, responsible 16 yr old there is.

We do our best to make sure he gets to experience the things that all non-aspie kids do like dances and football games even though it's up to us to know they are happening because he'll never tell us - or should I say never "think" to tell us - because why would he?  It makes me crazy because one minute he's playing dolls with a 7 yr old and the next he's going by himself to the Semi-Formal at school and dancing the night away alone having the time of his life.

I guess what we find out as we raise our Aspie children is that they are enigma's - constanly suprising, constantly changing and constantly frustrating us.  The key is trying to find the balance between it all and enjoy all the ups and downs because when it comes down to it, we wouldn't trade them for the world!

Till next time.....

Does Cancer Require Validation?

So does cancer require validation or is the diagnosis itself validation enough?  Since I was diagnosed 6mths ago in November of 2011 I felt this need for validation.  I think my need comes from the treatment I received from certain family members who made me feel as though my cancer wasn't good enough because they knew people who had had Stage 4 and mine was only Stage 2.  I didn't feel my cancer was good enough because I wasn't "actively dying" (exact words of a family member).  Cancer is such a difficult word to hear and to wrap your brain around, but having people belittle you and your diagnosis makes it that much harder.  You start to wonder, am I being unreasonable in my fears?  Am I making more of this than it truly is?  You become afraid to talk to people about your feelings and fears, you learn to answer questions quickly and simply - when someone ask how you are you quickly say "good" and end it there afraid that they too will turn on you like others have.

I was recently invited to a Survivors Dinner for a Relay for Life Walk in a town near by - I ended up not attending because I felt like I didn't deserve the invitation, my cancer was/is in control and all it took was surgery and radiation and now meds.  Because I didn't have chemo and didn't loose my hair, am I not as much of a survivor as those who did, because I am still here and cancer hasn't gotten me am I any less of a cancer patient?

I've now been invited by the same group to be a part of the kick-off Survivors Lap for the Relay and I think (at least for now) that I just might go.  I've talked to so many amazing, supportive people on-line, but I think it's time to talk to and meet people in person to see if I can find the validation I feel I need.

So does cancer require validation or is the diagnosis itself validation enough?  I'm still not sure I have the answer to this question....